An Open Letter to the Entire Evangelical World

It's not often that I use my Evangelical clout and rock-star status to reach out to the entire world, but every now and then a situation will arise that clearly calls for the irreproachable and utterly infallible "Final Word of the Don."

Folks, I hope you understand the gravity of this: once I've spoken on an issue, that's the final word. So I'm about to give it to Rob Bell once and for all, and make no mistake: there will be no need for anyone else to blog or write on this issue ever again.

You're welcome.

A Little History

Most of you are probably aware of the need for me to step in and pass final judgement on the Rob Bell / Justin Taylor / John Piper fiasco. However, for those of you who have other things to do than go heretic hunting, let me give you a basic timeline.

On February 23, Rob Bell released a video on the Vimeo site promoting his new book, Love Wins. Since February 26, Justin Taylor, John Piper, and a cadre of Calvinists have been trying to show that it doesn’t.

There has been a lot of ink spilled over the issue in the last week. And while many people were simply happy for the distraction from Charlie Sheen, the noise coming from Evangelical circles has been loud enough that the New York Times published an article about the debacle just yesterday.

The Bell Tolls for Thee

So in the midst of all of this debate, accusation, and heresy flinging, the Don has arrived to set the record straight and to put an end to the mayhem.

First off, I’d like to applaud John Piper. Without even reading Love Wins, he sent Rob Bell packing from the world of evangelicalism. That takes some major guts, my friend, but you were willing to do the hard work when so many people wanted to actually wait and see what Bell had written.

Now I realize that some of you will say that this was a brash thing to do. Some of you will point out how ironic it is that Piper’s message this last Sunday was titled Neither Do I Condemn You. Some of you might even point out that what John tweeted last week even seems to go against some of the articles on his blog asking us to consider the motivations behind one’s actions before judging or to judge out of love instead of “a condescending disposition.” Some of you may even feel like Piper’s quick dismissal of Bell is illegitimate because it goes against things he’s written in the past, such as in Desiring God on page 113 where he states that Scripture teaches us to “not just do acts of mercy, but to delight to be merciful or to want to be merciful.” After all, you might ask, wouldn’t being merciful to Rob Bell at the very least include reading the book you are prepared to cast him out of the faith over?

But you’d be wrong. You see, Piper’s quick dismissal of Rob Bell is worthy of applause precisely because it goes against Piper’s own belief system. It takes true courage to dismiss someone so quickly that you don’t even crosscheck it with your own beliefs. Thankfully, for the sake of the Body of Christ and the millions who might hear the heresy that might exist in a book that hasn’t been published, John Piper was courageous enough to preemptively do away with Bell before that book ever hit the stands. It’s the theological equivalent of attacking a country that might pose a threat to the United States. I, for one, salute Piper.

And what of Justin Taylor? Well I hardly need to stand up for Taylor because Kevin DeYoung has already done such an outstanding job. Taylor had every right to launch a nuclear attack against Rob Bell because Rob was asking the wrong questions. Don’t get me wrong, we want people to understand their faith; like Kevin DeYoung, I want people to ask questions about their faith. They just need to ask the right questions, and Bell was asking the wrong ones. Questions about the nature of heaven and hell, though they have been pondered and debated for centuries, are simply out of bounds these days.

Now, Rob, I realize you may not have understood that. That’s okay; we accept your apology. For future notice, here are some appropriate questions you can ask and still be evangelical:

1. Young earth or younger earth?
2. Passion of the Christ: great movie or the greatest movie?
3. What’s the best way to donate to Desiring God ministries?

See, stick with the basics, Rob. We don’t need your heretical questions muddling the minds of people we’ve trained not to think for themselves.

After all, because of Bell's questions millions of people around the world are now discussing and wrestling with issues of salvation, Jesus, heaven, hell, and what it means to be in right relationship with God. And we simply can't have that.

The Don has given his "Final Word." Leave a comment or email us to leave your own word.

Rob Bell Brings The Don Out of Retirement

I was done. Gone. Finished. The Don had shut the door on the blogosphere and discontinued patrolling the internets. I was perfectly happy with writing 27 books a year, teaching my Trinity students the art of awesome, and looking like a vampire in my Amazon.com bio picture.

And then Rob Bell had to go off and disappoint John Piper. And much like he used to do when we were kids, Piper displayed his disappointment by taking his ball and going home.

So mark your calendars, folks: I've got a special blog entry coming next Tuesday, March 8 at 10:00 a.m. central time to deal with Rob Bell so that John will stop texting me his complaints about Bell's new book every 30 minutes.

Bell will curse the day he was born for making me put up with this whining.

In the meantime, feel free to completely ignore 1 Corinthians 1:12-13 and pick up one of these T-shirts.

Q & A With the Don: John Piper Edition

After mentioning John Piper in a few posts, Stephanie has given me word that we've received a few email questions asking for my thoughts about the man.  We've decided to devote this brief Q & A to getting those out of the way so that we'll never have to talk about it again.

1.  "D.A.--You seemed to clearly allude to the fact that you don't think Piper is a good preacher.  What's up with that?"  -Jarvis

What?! That's preposterous! You completely took me out of context!!!

I never once said that John was a bad preacher; that is a totally subjective issue.  I said that John never used humor, never smiled, and always delved into Reformed theology when he preached!

That's not a criticism, though.  John Piper is exactly the way that God wants him to be, and John has taught me a lot about that over the years by beating me in the head with it.  After all, God is most glorified in us when we are most Calvified in Him.

Or something.  I always forget how the last part of that teaching goes...

2.  "Well hello there, Fake Carson!  One of my professors made a statement the other day that John Piper was the modern day J.I. Packer.  Do you agree?" -TEDS student that didn't want his name used for fear of administration wrath and hellfire

Well, I'm gonna level with you here: last time I checked, J.I. Packer was still alive.  That would seem to suggest that J.I. Packer is the modern day J.I. Packer.

So I hate to disagree with your professor, but he's wrong.  Oh, and I'm right.

3.  "Dearest FDC, Do you agree that John Piper is like the Pope of American Evangelicalism?"  -mr. Wolf

Good question (kind of).

I'm gonna let you folks in on a little secret, but you can't tell anyone else.  Wouldn't be prudent.

About 3 years ago a group of us tried to get John officially elected to be the Pope of American Evangelicalism.  Now, at the end of the day he would have just been a puppet Pope controlled by the Don, but there were several reasons it would've worked: evangelicals need strong leadership, I'm a strong leader, and John really wanted the title.

Well, Paige Patterson and Judge Paul Pressler heard about our plan and didn't like it one bit.  The day that we held a big meeting to vote on it, they had a bunch of Fundbags bussed in to strike down our vote (sound familiar?).

Ever since then, John and I have been trying to get those two to act like men and settle our differences where it matters most: the badminton court.  

Unfortunately, Patterson says he won't play unless we let him use his rifle and a hunting guide to actually take shots at us.

Pressler won't play unless he can rewrite the events of the game later on in a book to make himself look better.

So far we've declined.

Well, folks, that's all the time I have for today.  Piperites can send me hatemail here.  And both of you Patterson fans can try your hardest to reach me here.

Tomorrow I've got an important announcement to make, so check back in.  

John Piper Calling

So I'm sitting down Thursday evening and I'm watching television because I finally remembered to start TiVoing Robin and Company, and the phone rings.

And rings.

And rings.

I would have answered it sooner, but I was afraid it was frickin' Paige Patterson and I just couldn't muster the strength to speak to him twice in one week.

Finally, Joy yells at me to get it because she's making dinner and the noise is driving her crazy.

So I answer it and it turns out to be John Piper.  He tells me that he read the article I mentioned him in this week.  I thought he was going to be upset that I divulged such personal information (I write before I think sometimes...just ask my editors).

He wasn't.  As a matter of fact, he thanked me and said it was just the wake-up call he's been needing.  Said Greg Boyd's been telling him the same thing for years but he never felt like he had to listen since Boyd's a frickin' Open Theist/heretic.

John went on to invite the Don on a camping trip this weekend.  I'm so excited!  I left Friday morning and we had a great first night.  We're just about to head out again as soon as I'm done with this little blog post (I brought my Smart Phone with me to blog on...wouldn't want to leave you guys hanging).

All that to say, the Don will be out of pocket for the rest of the weekend, but please check back Monday because I can't wait to tell you all about my camping trip with John Piper.  I really think we're going to have a lot to talk about.

Plus, just wait 'till I describe to you what John's legs look like in hiking shorts...

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #s 6-7: Double Woe to the Overly Serious

Some will say this is a copout, but I'm lumping my final two woes into one, enormous, "please don't do this," hellfire upon your head, deathly sincere kind of warning: please don't let seminary change you in such a way that you lose your sense of humor and take yourself too seriously.

Most students seem to arrive at TEDS excited about the journey they're about to embark on and excited about being used by God.  Understandably, they want to do well in class and make good grades.

But all too often I see competition, theological differences, and the drive to succeed turn seminary students into old naggy men within a semester.  

As a matter of fact, the pictures at the top of this article are of the same TEDS student: Brandon Jarvis.  The one on the left was taken in August of 2006, the one on the right in December 2006 on the last day of finals.  It's a serious condition.

Just so that we're clear on this, here are some symptoms you should be aware of as they are good indicators of knowing if you've started taking yourself too seriously:

1. You'd rather parse Greek verbs than have sex with your wife
2. You sleep with a John Piper book tucked under your pillow
3. You can't understand why your wife doesn't want to talk about theology every time you have a conversation
4. You "just don't have time" to ever hang out with friends or family
5. You think Fake Carson's blog is mean instead of funny

Seriously, folks, don't take yourselves too seriously.  Some of those examples were meant to be a joke, but some are sincere on a level this blog rarely reaches.  I've seen too many students get so wrapped up in their studies that nothing else seemed to matter to them.

Heck, I was almost the same way.  When I was at Cambridge, almost none of my friends thought I'd ever settle down because I was so earnest about academics.  But then I met a wonderful woman and my perspective changed.  Learn from that, folks.

Remember to make time for your families or they'll resent your school work.  Remember that seminary is NOT the end of your calling but a means to put you in the right direction.  Remember that there are many other students on campus who don't believe exactly like you do about every aspect of their theology; and instead of challenging them on every point of difference, remember to listen to them first and foremost.  You might be surprised at what you hear.

Remember that you are blessed to be at this school, but that by your very presence here you are in the midst of people who are hurting, who are searching, and who are very often lonely and far away from the place they call home.  Don't be too caught up in your own studies to be Jesus to them.

And you know what?  Have fun.  Every now and then, take your wife out for a great time.  Get together with some buddies and play video games, or go bowling, or get dressed up and watch a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

If you're lucky, you just might run into the Don.  I'll be the one dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

On the Phone With Paige Patterson, President of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

So I was sitting at home yesterday after church and was just about to eat lunch when the phone rang.

I answered because I figured it was probably just John Piper calling for his weekly pep talk.  I love the guy, but he has very little confidence in his preaching ability so he calls me regularly for some encouragement.

His preaching style is a little dry and I always feel like I to fib a little to make him feel better about himself:

"No John, I think it's good that you never use humor when you preach."

"No John, no one was sleeping while you were prattling on about T.U.L.I.P."

"Yes, John, I agree that preaching is most effective when you constantly shame your audience and never crack a smile."

So I was getting ready to pull out my "It's not you, it's them" speech when I clicked the "talk" button, and then I was greeted with an alarming surprise.

It was frickin' Paige Patterson.

Instead of attempting to explain the mind-numbing experience that is a phone conversation with Patterson, I thought I'd just type out the transcript:

P.P.:  Hey, Don, it's Paige!  How's it going?!

D.C.:  Well, actually, my family and I were about to sit down for—

P.P.:  Hey, man, that's great!  Glad to hear you're doing well!  Hey did you see the article about me in the paper this week?!

D.C.: Well, actually, I—

P.P.:  That's right!  We started a homemaking major at Southwestern for all of the women who want to "enter ministry"!  Haha, it's great!  Keeps 'em out of the pulpit and in the kitchen, where they belong!  We don't want them wearing pants like men, and they can't take any preaching classes or anything, but by golly we'll teach 'em how to make lemon tortes!  Whadaya think about that, Don?!

D.C.: Well, I really don't think that—

P.P.: I knew you'd like it!  You know, we gotta stop that feminist movement from overtaking our churches.  I've been talking to some people down here, and we're pretty sure that "women in ministry" is the Communism of the New Millennium.

D.C.:  Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of—

P.P.:  I knew you'd agree!!!  So anyway, maybe you should write a book on that or something.  We could collaborate on it!  You write the words and I'll crayon the pictures!!  Whatdaya think, Don?  We'll put those women back in their places, by golly.  Them and those stinkin' animal rights activists.  I had one of 'em call for an interview the other day.  You know what I told her?

D.C.:  Well, actually, I just wanted to go eat lu—

P.P.: I told her I was all FOR animal rights!  In fact, every animal has the right to be mounted on my wall!  Hahahaha!!!  The right to be mounted on my wall!!!  Boy, she loved that, don't ya know.

D.C.: Paige, you—

P.P.:  I think animals are important, though.  I even think a boy should have one growing up.  You know, if a little boy has a dog, a gun, and a dad, that's really all he needs.  I think I may have even preached a message on that one time...can't remember, though.  I say a lot of crap.  People don't realize this, but half the time I'm just talking out of my a—

D.C.:  PAIGE!  You—

P.P.:  But I need you to pray for us, Don.  We've been having some legal problems at Southwestern.  We fired a professor because, as it turns out, she was female.  I tried to explain to her that the only female professor allowed at our school was my wife, and that's just 'cause she sleeps with me, but the woman sued us anyway.  Whatdayathink about that, Don?!

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  I mean, really tell me what you think, 'cause it's important to me.

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  Go ahead, lay it on me.

D.C.:  DR. PATTERSON!!!

P.P.:  Yes?

D.C.  I think you and Fred Phelps should be very careful.

P.P.:  I love that guy!

D.C.:  Paige...you're an idiot.

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