On the Phone With Paige Patterson, President of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

So I was sitting at home yesterday after church and was just about to eat lunch when the phone rang.

I answered because I figured it was probably just John Piper calling for his weekly pep talk.  I love the guy, but he has very little confidence in his preaching ability so he calls me regularly for some encouragement.

His preaching style is a little dry and I always feel like I to fib a little to make him feel better about himself:

"No John, I think it's good that you never use humor when you preach."

"No John, no one was sleeping while you were prattling on about T.U.L.I.P."

"Yes, John, I agree that preaching is most effective when you constantly shame your audience and never crack a smile."

So I was getting ready to pull out my "It's not you, it's them" speech when I clicked the "talk" button, and then I was greeted with an alarming surprise.

It was frickin' Paige Patterson.

Instead of attempting to explain the mind-numbing experience that is a phone conversation with Patterson, I thought I'd just type out the transcript:

P.P.:  Hey, Don, it's Paige!  How's it going?!

D.C.:  Well, actually, my family and I were about to sit down for—

P.P.:  Hey, man, that's great!  Glad to hear you're doing well!  Hey did you see the article about me in the paper this week?!

D.C.: Well, actually, I—

P.P.:  That's right!  We started a homemaking major at Southwestern for all of the women who want to "enter ministry"!  Haha, it's great!  Keeps 'em out of the pulpit and in the kitchen, where they belong!  We don't want them wearing pants like men, and they can't take any preaching classes or anything, but by golly we'll teach 'em how to make lemon tortes!  Whadaya think about that, Don?!

D.C.: Well, I really don't think that—

P.P.: I knew you'd like it!  You know, we gotta stop that feminist movement from overtaking our churches.  I've been talking to some people down here, and we're pretty sure that "women in ministry" is the Communism of the New Millennium.

D.C.:  Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of—

P.P.:  I knew you'd agree!!!  So anyway, maybe you should write a book on that or something.  We could collaborate on it!  You write the words and I'll crayon the pictures!!  Whatdaya think, Don?  We'll put those women back in their places, by golly.  Them and those stinkin' animal rights activists.  I had one of 'em call for an interview the other day.  You know what I told her?

D.C.:  Well, actually, I just wanted to go eat lu—

P.P.: I told her I was all FOR animal rights!  In fact, every animal has the right to be mounted on my wall!  Hahahaha!!!  The right to be mounted on my wall!!!  Boy, she loved that, don't ya know.

D.C.: Paige, you—

P.P.:  I think animals are important, though.  I even think a boy should have one growing up.  You know, if a little boy has a dog, a gun, and a dad, that's really all he needs.  I think I may have even preached a message on that one time...can't remember, though.  I say a lot of crap.  People don't realize this, but half the time I'm just talking out of my a—

D.C.:  PAIGE!  You—

P.P.:  But I need you to pray for us, Don.  We've been having some legal problems at Southwestern.  We fired a professor because, as it turns out, she was female.  I tried to explain to her that the only female professor allowed at our school was my wife, and that's just 'cause she sleeps with me, but the woman sued us anyway.  Whatdayathink about that, Don?!

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  I mean, really tell me what you think, 'cause it's important to me.

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  Go ahead, lay it on me.

D.C.:  DR. PATTERSON!!!

P.P.:  Yes?

D.C.  I think you and Fred Phelps should be very careful.

P.P.:  I love that guy!

D.C.:  Paige...you're an idiot.

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