Thursday, August 16, 2007

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #1: Woe to the Undergrad Stalkers

So you say you're one of the many unmarried graduate students at TEDS. You say you're not that good looking or you take yourself too seriously or you kind of smell like a horse. Maybe you don't meet women well or you forget to brush your teeth or you find yourself talking about Halo a lot when you get in social situations.

That's okay.  Not everyone can get a girl as beautiful as Robin Meade.  I have a website for you to check out, a church singles group you can get plugged into, and a woman you can write to for advice.

However, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, use your pitiful excuse for a love life to help justify stalking the undergraduates of Trinity International University.

I know, I know: they're young, they're pretty, and they're just right across the street.  It's a matter of convenience and I understand it.  That still gives you no excuse to turn into a TEDophile.  Just don't do it.  

Don't.

When I was working on my M. Div. at Cambridge I couldn't get a date to save my life.  That's right, the Don was one lonely dude.  When you're as brilliant as I am, it's just hard to find women who are willing to listen to you talk about Greek verbs, aspect theory, how bad the Emerging Church is, and how right you are about pretty much everything you say.

But then Joy came into my life.  Thankfully, she had a slight hearing problem and was able to tone me out most of the time.  But that's beside the point: she saw how pitiful I was and had mercy on my lonely heart and my brilliant mind.

Gentlemen, you can learn a lesson here: don't become the creepy seminary student.  Become the pitiful one; the one with a heart of gold, a brain of wonder, and a love life of crap.  Then maybe, just maybe, some hot undergrad with a slight hearing problem will take mercy on you, too.

But if you must date an undergrad student, let HER pursue YOU.  When it's the other way around, you just look pathetic.

And a little creepy.

12 comments:

mr. Wolf said...

Great first woe!

My friend told me that TIU even pulls the girls aside for a few minutes during orientation to warn them about the TEDS guys.

Anonymous said...

Amen, Dr. Carson! I am a living example of the terror that can be TEDS students.
I had 4 different guys get interested in me last year and try to hang out with me at awkward times and eventually ask me on group dates. 4! I liked all of them as friends, but that's it!
Keep up the woes!

Anonymous said...

maybe its just late but that was wonderful.

been reading your blog for a few days now and i love it. your advice is great.

Concerned in Chicago said...

I have to say that I'm not sure how I feel about you using Dr. Carson's name to write these articles. I think it's clear that you're not trying to make people believe you're really D.A. Carson, but some of the things you say seem disrespectful and mocking.

Please don't misunderstand me: I think it's creative and I've laughed out loud several times while reading it; I'm just not sure if it's appropriate and considerate of one of the greatest New Testament scholars of our time.

mr. Wolf said...

@ Concerned:

I really didn't take it like that at all. I think the "Fake Carson" is most likely a TEDS student, a TEDS faculty member (probably not a professor), or (in my hope of all hopes) the actual D.A. Carson and this person is just trying to do something fun and interesting for the TEDS community and anyone else who stumbles upon it.

So tell us, Fake Carson: is that it? Or are you just a jerk with a good sense of humor? (haha)

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone. I don't have a blogger account, so I haven't said anything as of yet, but I wanted to weigh in on "concerned in chicago's" thoughts.

I found out about the blog a couple of days ago through a friend of mine on Facebook. When I checked it out, I wasn't sure how to take it at first etiher. However, I find myself looking forward to reading it each day now and I think however is behind the Fake Carson is really funny and just has a sarcastic wit to them.

Call me crazy, but I don't feel like we need to go on a witch hunt for Fake Carson. I've chosen to just read it and have a good time with it for as long as it's around (which, IMHO, may not be long if a bunch of people get bent out of shape about it, but who knows?).

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone even think of being interested in girls from Trinity College?

Beloved said...

Thank God (literally) that this isn't Dr. Carson's blog. I didn't have the heart to believe that he was as self absorbed as this makes him out to be. Now that that's water under the bridge, I think I can read this with humorous appreciation. AND now I can make sense of the bizarre response on MY blog. (scroll down and see John Piper's Response to Minneapolis Bridge Collapse video comments).

Beloved said...

P.S. If you really were Dr. Carson and really were a 'genius' you would know that apostrophes are not used to denote plurality but possession and contraction (as in "prerequisite's" in 2nd to last paragraph of Seven Woes #2).

D. A. Carson said...

Thanks for the comment, Beloved, because I really think it illustrates a great point: it ain't easy being the Don.

Seriously, my secretary makes one little typo while I dictate my blog to her, and that's all it takes for you to start questioning my genius.

Well, just to appease you I made the correction myself and fired the secretary. Tomorrow I plan on hiring a replacement who'll work long hours and receive very little pay in exchange for the privilege of spending time in my presence.

Email me with your applications.

Beloved said...

Don't expect me to keep looking after you like this. I might have to start charging... kind of like the Administration office. ;-)

Anonymous said...

FYI, D.A.'s "secretary" is a guy. Just thought you'd like to know that Mike might not like being referred to as a female. :-)