Q & A With the Don: John Piper Edition

After mentioning John Piper in a few posts, Stephanie has given me word that we've received a few email questions asking for my thoughts about the man.  We've decided to devote this brief Q & A to getting those out of the way so that we'll never have to talk about it again.

1.  "D.A.--You seemed to clearly allude to the fact that you don't think Piper is a good preacher.  What's up with that?"  -Jarvis

What?! That's preposterous! You completely took me out of context!!!

I never once said that John was a bad preacher; that is a totally subjective issue.  I said that John never used humor, never smiled, and always delved into Reformed theology when he preached!

That's not a criticism, though.  John Piper is exactly the way that God wants him to be, and John has taught me a lot about that over the years by beating me in the head with it.  After all, God is most glorified in us when we are most Calvified in Him.

Or something.  I always forget how the last part of that teaching goes...

2.  "Well hello there, Fake Carson!  One of my professors made a statement the other day that John Piper was the modern day J.I. Packer.  Do you agree?" -TEDS student that didn't want his name used for fear of administration wrath and hellfire

Well, I'm gonna level with you here: last time I checked, J.I. Packer was still alive.  That would seem to suggest that J.I. Packer is the modern day J.I. Packer.

So I hate to disagree with your professor, but he's wrong.  Oh, and I'm right.

3.  "Dearest FDC, Do you agree that John Piper is like the Pope of American Evangelicalism?"  -mr. Wolf

Good question (kind of).

I'm gonna let you folks in on a little secret, but you can't tell anyone else.  Wouldn't be prudent.

About 3 years ago a group of us tried to get John officially elected to be the Pope of American Evangelicalism.  Now, at the end of the day he would have just been a puppet Pope controlled by the Don, but there were several reasons it would've worked: evangelicals need strong leadership, I'm a strong leader, and John really wanted the title.

Well, Paige Patterson and Judge Paul Pressler heard about our plan and didn't like it one bit.  The day that we held a big meeting to vote on it, they had a bunch of Fundbags bussed in to strike down our vote (sound familiar?).

Ever since then, John and I have been trying to get those two to act like men and settle our differences where it matters most: the badminton court.  

Unfortunately, Patterson says he won't play unless we let him use his rifle and a hunting guide to actually take shots at us.

Pressler won't play unless he can rewrite the events of the game later on in a book to make himself look better.

So far we've declined.

Well, folks, that's all the time I have for today.  Piperites can send me hatemail here.  And both of you Patterson fans can try your hardest to reach me here.

Tomorrow I've got an important announcement to make, so check back in.  

Q & A with the Don #2

Well, folks, sorry for the blogging sabbatical but I've just been incredibly busy with writing and badminton (more on that tomorrow).  I trust that you all had wonderful holiday weekends and I appreciate the kind emails that some of you sent to Stephanie over the break.

I do NOT appreciate the requests for a date that some of you sent to Stephanie over the break.  Gentlemen, I realize she's an attractive young woman, but haven't we already talked about not looking creepy and pathetic?

Anyway, I'm over it.

I thought we'd take today to do a little Q & A.  That's right, we get email here at The Secret Diary of D.A. Carson, and this is your chance to get some of your questions answered.  Remember, if you have a question you'd like to have answered, you can email Steph and she'll give the good ones to me in order that my time is not wasted by the mediocre ones (don't take that the wrong way, folks; I'm very busy with badminton right now...but more on that tomorrow).

Okay, to the questions!

1.  "Fake Carson, don't you see that this blog is rigged so that anyone, like myself, who thinks this is a poor idea is "w/o a sense of humor" or "takes ourselves too seriously" or "needs to relax?"  -Matt Redmond

Yes, I do.  Brilliant, huh?

(ed. note: the above question was sent in by Matt Redmond, not Redman; THAT Matt has a sense of humor)

2.  "Hey, Fake Carson!  What do you think about global warming?"  - emerjerk79

This is a great question, and quite a timely one as well.  If you don't mind, let me give you just a little background on global warming.

Global warming is not a new concern, but it is a much more prevalent issue in the scientific community than it once was.  In 2006, scientists studying 30 years of thermal data for the United States noticed some disturbing trends:

1. 1965's data showed above average temperatures to the extreme degree in central Texas; close to the Abilene area.  Over the next several years it had spread to envelop most of the state.
2. In 1969, abnormal hot spots were turning up in New Orleans, Louisiana and moving out from there.
3. 1973 saw Arkansas get hammered by what now appeared to be a nation-wide phenomenon at the very least.  The Fayetteville area in particular was hit hard by drastic heat increases.
4. In 1980, the hot spots increased greatly in the Dallas, Texas area.  What ensued was one of the hottest decades in recorded history for the city and surrounding area.  Scientists were beginning to espouse several theories of greenhouse gasses, etc., but no one seemed to agree on the exact cause.
5. In 1995, the extreme hot spots seemed to finally break out of the deep south, and North Carolina saw an above-average increase in temperature; the Wake Forest area was particularly devastated.
6. Most recently, Dallas seems to be getting hammered once again as hot spots were more prevalent in 2005 than any previous year.

So what was the cause of all of these hotspots?  Scientists have debated over the figures, the exact causes, and the mountains of data for years without coming to a complete consensus.

As usual, the Don is here for you with the scoop and has figured out the only plausible solution way faster than the so-called "experts" have been able to cobble anything together.  Compare the above scientific data with this little chart:

Notice anything...peculiar?  Yep, that's Paige Patterson's career experience and there is a disturbing trend contained within it:

Everywhere that Patterson goes, the air gets hotter.

3.  "Hey, D.A.!  Quick question: what's the 'A.' stand for?"  -Alph

Well, originally my parents named me Donald Arthur, but I had the "A." legally changed to "Awesome" in 1978 shortly after I definitively defeated J.I. Packer in a game of badminton.  Old goat never even saw it coming...

4.  "In your opinion, why do many Americans have trouble locating the United States on a world map?" -(yeah, like, 8 different people asked this)

Well, I've thought long and hard on this, but I just can't seem to come up with as good an answer as this Emerjerk:

5.  "How do you keep in such fantastic shape?" -Ellie

Truthfully?  Badminton.  But more on that tomorrow.

Okay, that's all the time for Q & A today, but I'll be answering a few more tomorrow.  Remember, if you'd like to write in and have your question answered, feel free to drop Stephanie a line.  

On the Phone With Paige Patterson, President of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

So I was sitting at home yesterday after church and was just about to eat lunch when the phone rang.

I answered because I figured it was probably just John Piper calling for his weekly pep talk.  I love the guy, but he has very little confidence in his preaching ability so he calls me regularly for some encouragement.

His preaching style is a little dry and I always feel like I to fib a little to make him feel better about himself:

"No John, I think it's good that you never use humor when you preach."

"No John, no one was sleeping while you were prattling on about T.U.L.I.P."

"Yes, John, I agree that preaching is most effective when you constantly shame your audience and never crack a smile."

So I was getting ready to pull out my "It's not you, it's them" speech when I clicked the "talk" button, and then I was greeted with an alarming surprise.

It was frickin' Paige Patterson.

Instead of attempting to explain the mind-numbing experience that is a phone conversation with Patterson, I thought I'd just type out the transcript:

P.P.:  Hey, Don, it's Paige!  How's it going?!

D.C.:  Well, actually, my family and I were about to sit down for—

P.P.:  Hey, man, that's great!  Glad to hear you're doing well!  Hey did you see the article about me in the paper this week?!

D.C.: Well, actually, I—

P.P.:  That's right!  We started a homemaking major at Southwestern for all of the women who want to "enter ministry"!  Haha, it's great!  Keeps 'em out of the pulpit and in the kitchen, where they belong!  We don't want them wearing pants like men, and they can't take any preaching classes or anything, but by golly we'll teach 'em how to make lemon tortes!  Whadaya think about that, Don?!

D.C.: Well, I really don't think that—

P.P.: I knew you'd like it!  You know, we gotta stop that feminist movement from overtaking our churches.  I've been talking to some people down here, and we're pretty sure that "women in ministry" is the Communism of the New Millennium.

D.C.:  Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of—

P.P.:  I knew you'd agree!!!  So anyway, maybe you should write a book on that or something.  We could collaborate on it!  You write the words and I'll crayon the pictures!!  Whatdaya think, Don?  We'll put those women back in their places, by golly.  Them and those stinkin' animal rights activists.  I had one of 'em call for an interview the other day.  You know what I told her?

D.C.:  Well, actually, I just wanted to go eat lu—

P.P.: I told her I was all FOR animal rights!  In fact, every animal has the right to be mounted on my wall!  Hahahaha!!!  The right to be mounted on my wall!!!  Boy, she loved that, don't ya know.

D.C.: Paige, you—

P.P.:  I think animals are important, though.  I even think a boy should have one growing up.  You know, if a little boy has a dog, a gun, and a dad, that's really all he needs.  I think I may have even preached a message on that one time...can't remember, though.  I say a lot of crap.  People don't realize this, but half the time I'm just talking out of my a—

D.C.:  PAIGE!  You—

P.P.:  But I need you to pray for us, Don.  We've been having some legal problems at Southwestern.  We fired a professor because, as it turns out, she was female.  I tried to explain to her that the only female professor allowed at our school was my wife, and that's just 'cause she sleeps with me, but the woman sued us anyway.  Whatdayathink about that, Don?!

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  I mean, really tell me what you think, 'cause it's important to me.

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  Go ahead, lay it on me.

D.C.:  DR. PATTERSON!!!

P.P.:  Yes?

D.C.  I think you and Fred Phelps should be very careful.

P.P.:  I love that guy!

D.C.:  Paige...you're an idiot.

-click-