The Day the Internets Exploded and My Inbox Detonated

I got home tonight and had an email sitting in my inbox from Stephanie. She's one of my many interns/underlings/slaves and she's just a fantastic help. Turns out that she wanted to inform me that our web traffic was WAY, WAY UP over the last few days.

I don't really know all the techno-mumbo-jumbo about this "internets" stuff, but Steph says we went from an average of about 35 unique visitors a day to about 300 a day over the weekend. She thinks it may have something to do with the fact that SBC Outpost.com wrote a short article about our little blog over the weekend calling it "side-splitting" and saying that I'm a "genius". Everyone knows the "genius" part, of course, but it's nice to be recognized for splitting sides as well.

Which would also explain all the fan mail and hate mail that made my email inbox threaten detonation. I kid you not, I turned on my beautiful Hewlitt Packard desktop tonight, waited for Windows to boot, and then read this message upon startup:

Error 666: Microsoft regrets to inform you that the bitterness level of your inbox has reached maximum capacity and we will no longer be able to assist you with your operating system needs. This computer will self-destruct:
in 30 seconds
tomorrow
Tuesday
Next Week
Next Year
in 2010
Whenever We Get Around to It

Good thing Microsoft stinks at getting anything done in a timely fashion. I might've had to buy a Mac (which has a great Operating System, but really cramps by ability to play Battlefield 2...speaking of which, you wouldn't have guessed this, but Dr. McCall tends to own the rest of the TEDS staff when we play Battlefield muliplayer. We call him "Dr. McKill"; he loves it.)

Anyway, my thanks to the SBC Outpost.com staff.  In a few years when I've superseded even the Pope's dedicated following and have taken over the world, I will not forget that you guys had my back.

Big Brother

Well, the mail has just been piling up this week. Thanks to "mr. Wolf" for sending the link to this pic in.

This was taken of me at a Desiring God conference, but I think it illustrates an awesome truth.

See that huge JumboTron image of me in the background? That's how you TEDS folks should be thinking of the Don. I'm always watching you. In fact, this is the first photographic evidence that I'm aware of that proves undeniably that I can even keep watch over myself.

Don't forget.

Yes, I AM that good...

Thanks to reader J.T. for sending in the above picture.

Folks, take a good look at it.  Notice anything?

That's right: my right hand is signing that autograph so fast that the camera is straining the laws of physics just to capture it.

And you wonder how I write so much...

J.T. informed me that shortly after this picture was taken the camera gave out on them.  My personal opinion is that the camera felt so useless in the presence of my greatness and so inadequate to capture a simple autograph signing that it simply lost the will to go on.

John Piper Calling

So I'm sitting down Thursday evening and I'm watching television because I finally remembered to start TiVoing Robin and Company, and the phone rings.

And rings.

And rings.

I would have answered it sooner, but I was afraid it was frickin' Paige Patterson and I just couldn't muster the strength to speak to him twice in one week.

Finally, Joy yells at me to get it because she's making dinner and the noise is driving her crazy.

So I answer it and it turns out to be John Piper.  He tells me that he read the article I mentioned him in this week.  I thought he was going to be upset that I divulged such personal information (I write before I think sometimes...just ask my editors).

He wasn't.  As a matter of fact, he thanked me and said it was just the wake-up call he's been needing.  Said Greg Boyd's been telling him the same thing for years but he never felt like he had to listen since Boyd's a frickin' Open Theist/heretic.

John went on to invite the Don on a camping trip this weekend.  I'm so excited!  I left Friday morning and we had a great first night.  We're just about to head out again as soon as I'm done with this little blog post (I brought my Smart Phone with me to blog on...wouldn't want to leave you guys hanging).

All that to say, the Don will be out of pocket for the rest of the weekend, but please check back Monday because I can't wait to tell you all about my camping trip with John Piper.  I really think we're going to have a lot to talk about.

Plus, just wait 'till I describe to you what John's legs look like in hiking shorts...

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #s 6-7: Double Woe to the Overly Serious

Some will say this is a copout, but I'm lumping my final two woes into one, enormous, "please don't do this," hellfire upon your head, deathly sincere kind of warning: please don't let seminary change you in such a way that you lose your sense of humor and take yourself too seriously.

Most students seem to arrive at TEDS excited about the journey they're about to embark on and excited about being used by God.  Understandably, they want to do well in class and make good grades.

But all too often I see competition, theological differences, and the drive to succeed turn seminary students into old naggy men within a semester.  

As a matter of fact, the pictures at the top of this article are of the same TEDS student: Brandon Jarvis.  The one on the left was taken in August of 2006, the one on the right in December 2006 on the last day of finals.  It's a serious condition.

Just so that we're clear on this, here are some symptoms you should be aware of as they are good indicators of knowing if you've started taking yourself too seriously:

1. You'd rather parse Greek verbs than have sex with your wife
2. You sleep with a John Piper book tucked under your pillow
3. You can't understand why your wife doesn't want to talk about theology every time you have a conversation
4. You "just don't have time" to ever hang out with friends or family
5. You think Fake Carson's blog is mean instead of funny

Seriously, folks, don't take yourselves too seriously.  Some of those examples were meant to be a joke, but some are sincere on a level this blog rarely reaches.  I've seen too many students get so wrapped up in their studies that nothing else seemed to matter to them.

Heck, I was almost the same way.  When I was at Cambridge, almost none of my friends thought I'd ever settle down because I was so earnest about academics.  But then I met a wonderful woman and my perspective changed.  Learn from that, folks.

Remember to make time for your families or they'll resent your school work.  Remember that seminary is NOT the end of your calling but a means to put you in the right direction.  Remember that there are many other students on campus who don't believe exactly like you do about every aspect of their theology; and instead of challenging them on every point of difference, remember to listen to them first and foremost.  You might be surprised at what you hear.

Remember that you are blessed to be at this school, but that by your very presence here you are in the midst of people who are hurting, who are searching, and who are very often lonely and far away from the place they call home.  Don't be too caught up in your own studies to be Jesus to them.

And you know what?  Have fun.  Every now and then, take your wife out for a great time.  Get together with some buddies and play video games, or go bowling, or get dressed up and watch a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

If you're lucky, you just might run into the Don.  I'll be the one dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

Discovering the Don

So I got a message today from someone who works in TEDS administration.  I won't say who it was, but it seems that this person is very curious to know the identity of the Fake Carson and wanted to meet me in person "regarding the content" of my blog.

It was a deft move on the part of the administration, and I have no doubt that if they were to discover my secret lair they would either throw me in the river or try and kill me with snakes.

So I just have one thing to say to the administration regarding a face-to- face meeting:

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!  The Don regrets to inform you that he is currently unavailable due to an unfortunate time restriction in his very busy schedule.  Please be aware that he sends his sincerest apologies, and we look forward to hearing from you again in the future.

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #5: Woe to Those Who are Sucked in by the Aura of Academia

I see it happen every year.  Hundreds of students converge onto the campus of Trinity Evangelical Divinity school: future pastors, youth pastors, missionaries, professors, and even business people who want to have a great grasp on theology.  It's beautiful.

But then these very different people who have been called by God to do very different things with their lives sit through my lectures and they are in awe.  I have such a grasp of the material, such a command of the biblical languages, and such an entirely handsome face (despite what those losers on RateMyProfessor.com might say).

In some ways, sitting through my lectures seems to restore a sense of childlike wonder to many, many people.  And, even though the Don is certainly the best example of that, I'm not the only one.  Many people are captivated by the lectures of Dr. Vanhoozer, Dr. Younger, and Dr. Cole among many others.  Even our token staff Arminian receives great evaluations on a regular basis.

The downside to all of this is that many people who enter TEDS begin to forget why they came in the first place.  They get drawn into the aura of academia and think that maybe they've been called to write books and teach at a university.  And some of you may be called to do just that, but not as many of you as you think.

I understand the draw.  Aside from your childlike wonder is the fact that being a world-renowned theologian is a lot like being a rockstar:

1. You get to wear leather
2. Women go wild when they see you in public
3. Your books end up on the bestseller list
4. The autographs are amazing!  You sign books, papers, and photos.  Mothers have you sign their baby's heads.  Women try to get you to sign their bra straps and overweight men try to get you to sign their "bro" straps (I never do either; Joy would ring my neck).

All that to say: I understand the allure.  Heck, I am the allure.  But at the end of the day, please, do what God has called you to do.  If He's called you to pastor or do missions or work in an office building with a great knowledge of who He is, then do those things.

Don't be sucked into the aura of academia if it's not what God has for you.

Leave that to us rockstars that God has appointed.