Interpreting Dreams

So I'm not very good at deciphering what my dreams mean. Frankly, I'm not so sure that they mean anything at all, but I had a strange one last night.

I dreamed that I was up in a tree very, very high off the ground. Below me, I could clearly see a cat. This cat was searching all over the field for something and seemed to be getting frustrated. I started looking around to see if I could spot what he was looking for since I had such a good vantage point.

Then I realized: the cat was looking for me. Only he wasn't looking in any of the right places. Not even close!

So I sat in the tree and laughed pretty hard at the cat. It was kind of hilarious to watch him looking so hard for something he was never going to find. After all, he wasn't even close about any of his assumptions as to where I was.

Anyway, right in the middle of a good, hardy chuckle my alarm went off and I ran into the living room to watch Robin & Company.

What a morning.

An Open Letter to Sterling Franklin

It's become quite clear, my dear Sterling, that you think you're very cute: bragging on Facebook about how many shots you stole from me in our game of badminton and how many shots you felt that I missed.  Never mind the fact that we were on the same team: you have to seek the glory.

That's fine.  I understand.  People of your young age who haven't accomplished in their entire lives what I have in the last six months can understandably feel the need to build themselves up while tearing others down.

But know this Mr. Franklin: I let you have those shots, and I purposely missed other ones in order to conceal my secret.

That's right: the Don is one wicked badminton player; I rock the racket, I knock the net, and I shock the shuttlecock (no, that's not dirty; that's badminton).

In China, where badminton is actually popular, they call me "The Dragon."  Sure, they call a lot of people "The Dragon," but they really mean it when they say it about me.  I've trained their Olympic team for too many years to count.

Sterling, if I'd been serious about playing this weekend, do you think I'd have worn slacks?  I mean, c'mon, everyone knows I would have put on my badminton competition Speedon.  Just be glad that I didn't come wearing that (for several reasons)!

I'm sorry I had to be so frank, but I really needed to make an example out of you, Sterling.  Just because you think you've shown up an old man in a crazy game that essentially is a slowed down version of tennis doesn't give you the right to go bragging about it all over the internets.

You never know when you'll awaken "The Dragon."

You've been warned.

Sincerely Yours,

The Don/Dragon

Q & A with the Don #2

Well, folks, sorry for the blogging sabbatical but I've just been incredibly busy with writing and badminton (more on that tomorrow).  I trust that you all had wonderful holiday weekends and I appreciate the kind emails that some of you sent to Stephanie over the break.

I do NOT appreciate the requests for a date that some of you sent to Stephanie over the break.  Gentlemen, I realize she's an attractive young woman, but haven't we already talked about not looking creepy and pathetic?

Anyway, I'm over it.

I thought we'd take today to do a little Q & A.  That's right, we get email here at The Secret Diary of D.A. Carson, and this is your chance to get some of your questions answered.  Remember, if you have a question you'd like to have answered, you can email Steph and she'll give the good ones to me in order that my time is not wasted by the mediocre ones (don't take that the wrong way, folks; I'm very busy with badminton right now...but more on that tomorrow).

Okay, to the questions!

1.  "Fake Carson, don't you see that this blog is rigged so that anyone, like myself, who thinks this is a poor idea is "w/o a sense of humor" or "takes ourselves too seriously" or "needs to relax?"  -Matt Redmond

Yes, I do.  Brilliant, huh?

(ed. note: the above question was sent in by Matt Redmond, not Redman; THAT Matt has a sense of humor)

2.  "Hey, Fake Carson!  What do you think about global warming?"  - emerjerk79

This is a great question, and quite a timely one as well.  If you don't mind, let me give you just a little background on global warming.

Global warming is not a new concern, but it is a much more prevalent issue in the scientific community than it once was.  In 2006, scientists studying 30 years of thermal data for the United States noticed some disturbing trends:

1. 1965's data showed above average temperatures to the extreme degree in central Texas; close to the Abilene area.  Over the next several years it had spread to envelop most of the state.
2. In 1969, abnormal hot spots were turning up in New Orleans, Louisiana and moving out from there.
3. 1973 saw Arkansas get hammered by what now appeared to be a nation-wide phenomenon at the very least.  The Fayetteville area in particular was hit hard by drastic heat increases.
4. In 1980, the hot spots increased greatly in the Dallas, Texas area.  What ensued was one of the hottest decades in recorded history for the city and surrounding area.  Scientists were beginning to espouse several theories of greenhouse gasses, etc., but no one seemed to agree on the exact cause.
5. In 1995, the extreme hot spots seemed to finally break out of the deep south, and North Carolina saw an above-average increase in temperature; the Wake Forest area was particularly devastated.
6. Most recently, Dallas seems to be getting hammered once again as hot spots were more prevalent in 2005 than any previous year.

So what was the cause of all of these hotspots?  Scientists have debated over the figures, the exact causes, and the mountains of data for years without coming to a complete consensus.

As usual, the Don is here for you with the scoop and has figured out the only plausible solution way faster than the so-called "experts" have been able to cobble anything together.  Compare the above scientific data with this little chart:

Notice anything...peculiar?  Yep, that's Paige Patterson's career experience and there is a disturbing trend contained within it:

Everywhere that Patterson goes, the air gets hotter.

3.  "Hey, D.A.!  Quick question: what's the 'A.' stand for?"  -Alph

Well, originally my parents named me Donald Arthur, but I had the "A." legally changed to "Awesome" in 1978 shortly after I definitively defeated J.I. Packer in a game of badminton.  Old goat never even saw it coming...

4.  "In your opinion, why do many Americans have trouble locating the United States on a world map?" -(yeah, like, 8 different people asked this)

Well, I've thought long and hard on this, but I just can't seem to come up with as good an answer as this Emerjerk:

5.  "How do you keep in such fantastic shape?" -Ellie

Truthfully?  Badminton.  But more on that tomorrow.

Okay, that's all the time for Q & A today, but I'll be answering a few more tomorrow.  Remember, if you'd like to write in and have your question answered, feel free to drop Stephanie a line.  

Relax! He'll be Back Tuesday

Hello, all you faithful Fake Carson readers!  This is Stephanie, Dr. Carson's intern.

I had to call Dr. Carson today because he kept getting email asking if he was ever going to post again since it had been two whole days without a word.

Dr. Carson asked me to let you guys know that he's out of town battling Fred Phelps, homies, and Emerjerks, but will return Tuesday with a fantastic "Question and Answer" article that he's been working on.  I've read the rough draft, and I really think you'll love it (yes, Dr. Carson even writes rough drafts for his blog postings).

In the meantime, feel free to check out the last Q&A that Dr. Carson did a few weeks ago.

If that still won't tide you over, feel free to drop me a line if you guys need anything because that's what I get paid for.  

Speaking of my job: Dr. Carson had me go in and label all of the posts he's already put up so that you guys can search by topic.  You can find all the major topics that he's ranted about on the right sidebar underneath "Topics We've Covered."  We hope this'll make articles easier to find for you when you're sharing them with your loved ones.

That's it for today.  Have a great holiday and thanks so much for checking in with Dr. Carson!

Much Love, 

Steph

But There is One More Thing

It's late and most of you are probably in bed. The Don, however, is burning the midnight oil (as usual).

I don't normally blog about the same thing twice in one day, but I asked Stephanie about it and she thought it would be okay.

A reader calling himself "emerjerk79" wrote in this evening about the above poster and I couldn't resist publishing his remarks:

"This poster is literally a picture of hypocrisy. An evangelical is trying to be comedic by dissing emergents for trying to be comedic by dissing their critics."

Being D.A. Carson, I understood the irony. I'm sure for some of our readers, their heads will just explode (here's looking at you, Paige Patterson).

The Death of the Emerging Church

It seems that the good folks over at Spurgeon.org are having a little fun at the expense of the Emerging Church movement.  They've made up a bunch of posters that explain why it's a cult and why anyone who would share a beer with a nonbeliever is going to hell.

I couldn't agree more.

The only thing I don't understand is why they feel the need to rag on a movement that really isn't in existence anymore.  Don't they realize that I already annihalted this thing before it really got off the ground?  You see, once the Don writes a book on a subject (in this case, the Emerging Church), that's pretty much the last word on it.  We could save everyone a lot of time, money, and wasted ink if they would realize that, too.

Those Emerjerks are just so frickin' arrogant.  They're always trying to find a "different" way of relating to people or talking down to us traditionalists like we don't know what's up just because our hair isn't spiked and we don't read Donald Miller.

Emerjerks, let it rest.  Your moment is over and it really wasn't that much to begin with.

The Don has spoken.

Critiquing the Homies

So the News & Observer has an article this week about how Baptists hate the world and don't want anything to do with it.

Or something.

The basic thrust of the article, for the many of you who will undoubtedly be too lazy to click the above link (and hey, if you missed it the first time, here's your last opportunity), is that many Baptists are pulling their children out of public schools because of what they perceive to be the "new religious establishment in this country," and that is "secularism."

So the answer to the horrors of the "secularism" in public schools is to pull all the Christians out of them and start homeschooling and remove all Christian influence from mainstream society.

Right.

Okay, folks, it's time to have a little talk: one to one, person to person, layperson to brilliant educator, average mind to genius, random individual to the Don.

I understand that, as a Christian, it's difficult to send your kids to public school.  You don't know what they're going to hear or learn or what kids they'll come in contact with.  Other kids may go so far as to teach them curse words or tell them it's okay to watch shows like Desperate Housewives (I'd like to add here that if you'll take the time to watch 3 episodes, you'll be hooked.  Sometimes late at night I have difficulty writing all of my theological works because I keep wondering if Susan and Mike will stay together or if Edie really killed herself in last season's finale...it torments me day and night!).

Perhaps you think that other students may make fun of your children for going to church or that teachers may instill dirty words and phrases into their vocabulary like "evolution," or "safe sex," or "Clinton Administration."

It's okay.  Take a deep breath.  You're going to be fine.

Now listen to me:

Unfortunately (and this is tough, I know), we're called by Jesus to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.  It's really difficult to let your light shine when you're stashing it away in a home school or in a private school that many people don't desire to attend because of its religious slant or can't afford to attend because of its high price.

The Don understands your hesitancy to let your kids enter an environment that you can't completely control.  But do it for the sake of all the kids out there who haven't had the beautiful privilege to grow up in a Christian home, but desperately need a Christ-like influence in their lives.  Do it so that your children won't grow up scared to death of people who don't believe like they do.  Do it so that your kids can have an opportunity to live their faith now and work it out by the time they get to college.

And if you still have reservations, I think I know just the thing to help you out: head on over to Amazon.com and pick up any one of my books.  Whenever I'm down, reading one of my own books is a huge pick-me-up, and I think you'll agree.