But There is One More Thing

It's late and most of you are probably in bed. The Don, however, is burning the midnight oil (as usual).

I don't normally blog about the same thing twice in one day, but I asked Stephanie about it and she thought it would be okay.

A reader calling himself "emerjerk79" wrote in this evening about the above poster and I couldn't resist publishing his remarks:

"This poster is literally a picture of hypocrisy. An evangelical is trying to be comedic by dissing emergents for trying to be comedic by dissing their critics."

Being D.A. Carson, I understood the irony. I'm sure for some of our readers, their heads will just explode (here's looking at you, Paige Patterson).

The Death of the Emerging Church

It seems that the good folks over at Spurgeon.org are having a little fun at the expense of the Emerging Church movement.  They've made up a bunch of posters that explain why it's a cult and why anyone who would share a beer with a nonbeliever is going to hell.

I couldn't agree more.

The only thing I don't understand is why they feel the need to rag on a movement that really isn't in existence anymore.  Don't they realize that I already annihalted this thing before it really got off the ground?  You see, once the Don writes a book on a subject (in this case, the Emerging Church), that's pretty much the last word on it.  We could save everyone a lot of time, money, and wasted ink if they would realize that, too.

Those Emerjerks are just so frickin' arrogant.  They're always trying to find a "different" way of relating to people or talking down to us traditionalists like we don't know what's up just because our hair isn't spiked and we don't read Donald Miller.

Emerjerks, let it rest.  Your moment is over and it really wasn't that much to begin with.

The Don has spoken.

Critiquing the Homies

So the News & Observer has an article this week about how Baptists hate the world and don't want anything to do with it.

Or something.

The basic thrust of the article, for the many of you who will undoubtedly be too lazy to click the above link (and hey, if you missed it the first time, here's your last opportunity), is that many Baptists are pulling their children out of public schools because of what they perceive to be the "new religious establishment in this country," and that is "secularism."

So the answer to the horrors of the "secularism" in public schools is to pull all the Christians out of them and start homeschooling and remove all Christian influence from mainstream society.

Right.

Okay, folks, it's time to have a little talk: one to one, person to person, layperson to brilliant educator, average mind to genius, random individual to the Don.

I understand that, as a Christian, it's difficult to send your kids to public school.  You don't know what they're going to hear or learn or what kids they'll come in contact with.  Other kids may go so far as to teach them curse words or tell them it's okay to watch shows like Desperate Housewives (I'd like to add here that if you'll take the time to watch 3 episodes, you'll be hooked.  Sometimes late at night I have difficulty writing all of my theological works because I keep wondering if Susan and Mike will stay together or if Edie really killed herself in last season's finale...it torments me day and night!).

Perhaps you think that other students may make fun of your children for going to church or that teachers may instill dirty words and phrases into their vocabulary like "evolution," or "safe sex," or "Clinton Administration."

It's okay.  Take a deep breath.  You're going to be fine.

Now listen to me:

Unfortunately (and this is tough, I know), we're called by Jesus to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.  It's really difficult to let your light shine when you're stashing it away in a home school or in a private school that many people don't desire to attend because of its religious slant or can't afford to attend because of its high price.

The Don understands your hesitancy to let your kids enter an environment that you can't completely control.  But do it for the sake of all the kids out there who haven't had the beautiful privilege to grow up in a Christian home, but desperately need a Christ-like influence in their lives.  Do it so that your children won't grow up scared to death of people who don't believe like they do.  Do it so that your kids can have an opportunity to live their faith now and work it out by the time they get to college.

And if you still have reservations, I think I know just the thing to help you out: head on over to Amazon.com and pick up any one of my books.  Whenever I'm down, reading one of my own books is a huge pick-me-up, and I think you'll agree.

The Day the Internets Exploded and My Inbox Detonated

I got home tonight and had an email sitting in my inbox from Stephanie. She's one of my many interns/underlings/slaves and she's just a fantastic help. Turns out that she wanted to inform me that our web traffic was WAY, WAY UP over the last few days.

I don't really know all the techno-mumbo-jumbo about this "internets" stuff, but Steph says we went from an average of about 35 unique visitors a day to about 300 a day over the weekend. She thinks it may have something to do with the fact that SBC Outpost.com wrote a short article about our little blog over the weekend calling it "side-splitting" and saying that I'm a "genius". Everyone knows the "genius" part, of course, but it's nice to be recognized for splitting sides as well.

Which would also explain all the fan mail and hate mail that made my email inbox threaten detonation. I kid you not, I turned on my beautiful Hewlitt Packard desktop tonight, waited for Windows to boot, and then read this message upon startup:

Error 666: Microsoft regrets to inform you that the bitterness level of your inbox has reached maximum capacity and we will no longer be able to assist you with your operating system needs. This computer will self-destruct:
in 30 seconds
tomorrow
Tuesday
Next Week
Next Year
in 2010
Whenever We Get Around to It

Good thing Microsoft stinks at getting anything done in a timely fashion. I might've had to buy a Mac (which has a great Operating System, but really cramps by ability to play Battlefield 2...speaking of which, you wouldn't have guessed this, but Dr. McCall tends to own the rest of the TEDS staff when we play Battlefield muliplayer. We call him "Dr. McKill"; he loves it.)

Anyway, my thanks to the SBC Outpost.com staff.  In a few years when I've superseded even the Pope's dedicated following and have taken over the world, I will not forget that you guys had my back.

Big Brother

Well, the mail has just been piling up this week. Thanks to "mr. Wolf" for sending the link to this pic in.

This was taken of me at a Desiring God conference, but I think it illustrates an awesome truth.

See that huge JumboTron image of me in the background? That's how you TEDS folks should be thinking of the Don. I'm always watching you. In fact, this is the first photographic evidence that I'm aware of that proves undeniably that I can even keep watch over myself.

Don't forget.

Yes, I AM that good...

Thanks to reader J.T. for sending in the above picture.

Folks, take a good look at it.  Notice anything?

That's right: my right hand is signing that autograph so fast that the camera is straining the laws of physics just to capture it.

And you wonder how I write so much...

J.T. informed me that shortly after this picture was taken the camera gave out on them.  My personal opinion is that the camera felt so useless in the presence of my greatness and so inadequate to capture a simple autograph signing that it simply lost the will to go on.

John Piper Calling

So I'm sitting down Thursday evening and I'm watching television because I finally remembered to start TiVoing Robin and Company, and the phone rings.

And rings.

And rings.

I would have answered it sooner, but I was afraid it was frickin' Paige Patterson and I just couldn't muster the strength to speak to him twice in one week.

Finally, Joy yells at me to get it because she's making dinner and the noise is driving her crazy.

So I answer it and it turns out to be John Piper.  He tells me that he read the article I mentioned him in this week.  I thought he was going to be upset that I divulged such personal information (I write before I think sometimes...just ask my editors).

He wasn't.  As a matter of fact, he thanked me and said it was just the wake-up call he's been needing.  Said Greg Boyd's been telling him the same thing for years but he never felt like he had to listen since Boyd's a frickin' Open Theist/heretic.

John went on to invite the Don on a camping trip this weekend.  I'm so excited!  I left Friday morning and we had a great first night.  We're just about to head out again as soon as I'm done with this little blog post (I brought my Smart Phone with me to blog on...wouldn't want to leave you guys hanging).

All that to say, the Don will be out of pocket for the rest of the weekend, but please check back Monday because I can't wait to tell you all about my camping trip with John Piper.  I really think we're going to have a lot to talk about.

Plus, just wait 'till I describe to you what John's legs look like in hiking shorts...

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #s 6-7: Double Woe to the Overly Serious

Some will say this is a copout, but I'm lumping my final two woes into one, enormous, "please don't do this," hellfire upon your head, deathly sincere kind of warning: please don't let seminary change you in such a way that you lose your sense of humor and take yourself too seriously.

Most students seem to arrive at TEDS excited about the journey they're about to embark on and excited about being used by God.  Understandably, they want to do well in class and make good grades.

But all too often I see competition, theological differences, and the drive to succeed turn seminary students into old naggy men within a semester.  

As a matter of fact, the pictures at the top of this article are of the same TEDS student: Brandon Jarvis.  The one on the left was taken in August of 2006, the one on the right in December 2006 on the last day of finals.  It's a serious condition.

Just so that we're clear on this, here are some symptoms you should be aware of as they are good indicators of knowing if you've started taking yourself too seriously:

1. You'd rather parse Greek verbs than have sex with your wife
2. You sleep with a John Piper book tucked under your pillow
3. You can't understand why your wife doesn't want to talk about theology every time you have a conversation
4. You "just don't have time" to ever hang out with friends or family
5. You think Fake Carson's blog is mean instead of funny

Seriously, folks, don't take yourselves too seriously.  Some of those examples were meant to be a joke, but some are sincere on a level this blog rarely reaches.  I've seen too many students get so wrapped up in their studies that nothing else seemed to matter to them.

Heck, I was almost the same way.  When I was at Cambridge, almost none of my friends thought I'd ever settle down because I was so earnest about academics.  But then I met a wonderful woman and my perspective changed.  Learn from that, folks.

Remember to make time for your families or they'll resent your school work.  Remember that seminary is NOT the end of your calling but a means to put you in the right direction.  Remember that there are many other students on campus who don't believe exactly like you do about every aspect of their theology; and instead of challenging them on every point of difference, remember to listen to them first and foremost.  You might be surprised at what you hear.

Remember that you are blessed to be at this school, but that by your very presence here you are in the midst of people who are hurting, who are searching, and who are very often lonely and far away from the place they call home.  Don't be too caught up in your own studies to be Jesus to them.

And you know what?  Have fun.  Every now and then, take your wife out for a great time.  Get together with some buddies and play video games, or go bowling, or get dressed up and watch a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

If you're lucky, you just might run into the Don.  I'll be the one dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

Discovering the Don

So I got a message today from someone who works in TEDS administration.  I won't say who it was, but it seems that this person is very curious to know the identity of the Fake Carson and wanted to meet me in person "regarding the content" of my blog.

It was a deft move on the part of the administration, and I have no doubt that if they were to discover my secret lair they would either throw me in the river or try and kill me with snakes.

So I just have one thing to say to the administration regarding a face-to- face meeting:

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!  The Don regrets to inform you that he is currently unavailable due to an unfortunate time restriction in his very busy schedule.  Please be aware that he sends his sincerest apologies, and we look forward to hearing from you again in the future.

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #5: Woe to Those Who are Sucked in by the Aura of Academia

I see it happen every year.  Hundreds of students converge onto the campus of Trinity Evangelical Divinity school: future pastors, youth pastors, missionaries, professors, and even business people who want to have a great grasp on theology.  It's beautiful.

But then these very different people who have been called by God to do very different things with their lives sit through my lectures and they are in awe.  I have such a grasp of the material, such a command of the biblical languages, and such an entirely handsome face (despite what those losers on RateMyProfessor.com might say).

In some ways, sitting through my lectures seems to restore a sense of childlike wonder to many, many people.  And, even though the Don is certainly the best example of that, I'm not the only one.  Many people are captivated by the lectures of Dr. Vanhoozer, Dr. Younger, and Dr. Cole among many others.  Even our token staff Arminian receives great evaluations on a regular basis.

The downside to all of this is that many people who enter TEDS begin to forget why they came in the first place.  They get drawn into the aura of academia and think that maybe they've been called to write books and teach at a university.  And some of you may be called to do just that, but not as many of you as you think.

I understand the draw.  Aside from your childlike wonder is the fact that being a world-renowned theologian is a lot like being a rockstar:

1. You get to wear leather
2. Women go wild when they see you in public
3. Your books end up on the bestseller list
4. The autographs are amazing!  You sign books, papers, and photos.  Mothers have you sign their baby's heads.  Women try to get you to sign their bra straps and overweight men try to get you to sign their "bro" straps (I never do either; Joy would ring my neck).

All that to say: I understand the allure.  Heck, I am the allure.  But at the end of the day, please, do what God has called you to do.  If He's called you to pastor or do missions or work in an office building with a great knowledge of who He is, then do those things.

Don't be sucked into the aura of academia if it's not what God has for you.

Leave that to us rockstars that God has appointed.

On the Phone With Paige Patterson, President of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

So I was sitting at home yesterday after church and was just about to eat lunch when the phone rang.

I answered because I figured it was probably just John Piper calling for his weekly pep talk.  I love the guy, but he has very little confidence in his preaching ability so he calls me regularly for some encouragement.

His preaching style is a little dry and I always feel like I to fib a little to make him feel better about himself:

"No John, I think it's good that you never use humor when you preach."

"No John, no one was sleeping while you were prattling on about T.U.L.I.P."

"Yes, John, I agree that preaching is most effective when you constantly shame your audience and never crack a smile."

So I was getting ready to pull out my "It's not you, it's them" speech when I clicked the "talk" button, and then I was greeted with an alarming surprise.

It was frickin' Paige Patterson.

Instead of attempting to explain the mind-numbing experience that is a phone conversation with Patterson, I thought I'd just type out the transcript:

P.P.:  Hey, Don, it's Paige!  How's it going?!

D.C.:  Well, actually, my family and I were about to sit down for—

P.P.:  Hey, man, that's great!  Glad to hear you're doing well!  Hey did you see the article about me in the paper this week?!

D.C.: Well, actually, I—

P.P.:  That's right!  We started a homemaking major at Southwestern for all of the women who want to "enter ministry"!  Haha, it's great!  Keeps 'em out of the pulpit and in the kitchen, where they belong!  We don't want them wearing pants like men, and they can't take any preaching classes or anything, but by golly we'll teach 'em how to make lemon tortes!  Whadaya think about that, Don?!

D.C.: Well, I really don't think that—

P.P.: I knew you'd like it!  You know, we gotta stop that feminist movement from overtaking our churches.  I've been talking to some people down here, and we're pretty sure that "women in ministry" is the Communism of the New Millennium.

D.C.:  Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of—

P.P.:  I knew you'd agree!!!  So anyway, maybe you should write a book on that or something.  We could collaborate on it!  You write the words and I'll crayon the pictures!!  Whatdaya think, Don?  We'll put those women back in their places, by golly.  Them and those stinkin' animal rights activists.  I had one of 'em call for an interview the other day.  You know what I told her?

D.C.:  Well, actually, I just wanted to go eat lu—

P.P.: I told her I was all FOR animal rights!  In fact, every animal has the right to be mounted on my wall!  Hahahaha!!!  The right to be mounted on my wall!!!  Boy, she loved that, don't ya know.

D.C.: Paige, you—

P.P.:  I think animals are important, though.  I even think a boy should have one growing up.  You know, if a little boy has a dog, a gun, and a dad, that's really all he needs.  I think I may have even preached a message on that one time...can't remember, though.  I say a lot of crap.  People don't realize this, but half the time I'm just talking out of my a—

D.C.:  PAIGE!  You—

P.P.:  But I need you to pray for us, Don.  We've been having some legal problems at Southwestern.  We fired a professor because, as it turns out, she was female.  I tried to explain to her that the only female professor allowed at our school was my wife, and that's just 'cause she sleeps with me, but the woman sued us anyway.  Whatdayathink about that, Don?!

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  I mean, really tell me what you think, 'cause it's important to me.

D.C.:  Paige, I—

P.P.:  Go ahead, lay it on me.

D.C.:  DR. PATTERSON!!!

P.P.:  Yes?

D.C.  I think you and Fred Phelps should be very careful.

P.P.:  I love that guy!

D.C.:  Paige...you're an idiot.

-click-

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #4: Woe to the Greek Accenter

This is just a heads up for most of you, but I think it's important that I go ahead and get it out of the way.

If you write a paper for me and you include any Greek whatsoever, I expect it to be just as accurate as your English, accents and all.  

I have no leniency and I show no mercy or grace in this area.  Yes, I'm aware that Jesus had mercy on us all.  

I'm not Jesus.

Just by way of review, it may be helpful for me to go over the two most important rules for accents:

1. You can't possibly get them right
2. Even if you do, I'll probably count them wrong anyway.  And then, who are you to argue with me?  I'm D.A. Carson.

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #3: Woe to the Dead Chapel Attendees

I'll just be really honest with you up front: I don't attend every chapel service.  I mean, I have a LOT to do during the day.  Do you have any idea how many people send me their crappy books they've written in hopes of getting me to write a blurb of praise for the book jacket?  No?  Well take a guess. 

 

Go on.  Guess.  I'll wait.

WRONG!!! Multiply the number you just came up with by 1,000!  It's ridiculous.

But I digress...

So anyway, I don't go to chapel very often, but when I do I notice a very disturbing trend: people enter the foyer with smiles on their faces and laughs in their belly.  But somehow, in the 15 feet between the door to the foyer and the door to the lobby, their faces change to look much more like Elvis Presley.  And yes, I realize he's dead.  That's the point.

Most people actually come into the chapel looking like corpses.

I realize we generally have a somber chapel service.  I realize that a lot of times we talk about serious issues like the AIDS crises in Africa, the depravity of man, and the current hardships facing Evangelicalism in the 21st century.  

But we also serve a glorious, holy, and altogether wonderful God.  It's okay to be happy about that.

Plus I'm tired of seeing all the worship leaders having to act like little monkeys to put a smile on your faces.  If you can't be happy for the Lord, at least have compassion on the evaporating dignity  of those guys and gals.

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #2: Woe to Those Seeking Assistance From TEDS Administration

So let me tell you a true story.

I've been on staff at TEDS for 19 years (wow, seeing it written out like that makes me feel old). When I arrived in 1978 I had just started fixing up my office and was getting kind of tired so I decided to take a break. I told my colleague Dr. Beitzel that I was going to run over to the administration building to find out from them what classrooms my classes would be meeting in when the semester started in a few weeks.

Beitzel starts laughing hysterically.

So I looked at him because we didn't know each other that well yet, and I was quite sure that he was just a madman (Old Testament professors typically have...unique personalities).

"You're going to ask for help?" he said in between gasps of air.

"Yeah."

"From the administration building?" he managed to get out just before his face turned the color of Jessica Simpson's pouty lips.

"Yeah."

Shouldn't have said that. Beitzel falls to the floor this time rolling around and clutching his side, struggling to breathe and cackle in my general direction simultaneously. I'm kind of embarrassed for him and I'm not sure what his deal is, so I slip out and head to the admin building.

So I walk into the building and trot up to the front desk at the registrar office. I tell them who I am and ask to see my class schedule so that I can confirm which rooms I'll be teaching in.

The woman behind the desk looks at me slyly and says she can help me with that, then she taps the desk and looks away.

I blink.

I ask her to help me again, and she says no problem, then taps the desk and looks away again.

Now, I'm originally from Canada and I've spent a large amount of time in the UK. I don't know all of the weird secret meanings you Americans have, so I just blinked at her again and asked if she could give me the schedule.

"Sure," she says. "I would love to help you, but it appears that the registrar is just a little low on cash this month." She winks at me, taps the desk again and then looks away.

I was appalled! I told her there was no way I was going to pay the administration of my own school to get my schedule!

She grinned slyly and told me, "Oh, we have ways of making you pay. Sure wouldn't want that little wife of yours to have an...accident."

That's right, folks, the TEDS administration is one shady operation. In fact, the Don's been trying to leave TEDS to teach at Cambridge for 12 years, but I can't do it. I'm afraid for Joy's life.

And I'm not the only one!

One student had the gall to ask administration for help with his schedule last semester. The next morning he woke up to find the head of Richard Nixon in his bed.

Another student a few years ago wasn't sure what the prerequisites were for entering Greek exegesis so he went to ask for help. Haven't seen him since.

Believe me: when admin tells you that it's YOUR responsibility to figure things out for YOURself, you should take that statement at face value. If not, you might end up never getting your M. Div.

Or you might end up in the Chicago river. Do you see?

The Smite is Right

Remember last week when I said I had a certain sense that Fred Phelps, the "God Hates Fags" guy, had better be careful because his actions and his hatred were close to earning him a good old fashioned smiting?

Well, this week a video turned up on YouTube.  Turns out someone thought it would be funny to make Fred and his whole "loving" congregation look like big gay supporters.

Don't say the Don didn't tell you this was coming, Fred.  And I hate to be the one to say it, but my...sense...is that this is only the beginning.

"The Seven Woes of the Don" #1: Woe to the Undergrad Stalkers

So you say you're one of the many unmarried graduate students at TEDS. You say you're not that good looking or you take yourself too seriously or you kind of smell like a horse. Maybe you don't meet women well or you forget to brush your teeth or you find yourself talking about Halo a lot when you get in social situations.

That's okay.  Not everyone can get a girl as beautiful as Robin Meade.  I have a website for you to check out, a church singles group you can get plugged into, and a woman you can write to for advice.

However, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, use your pitiful excuse for a love life to help justify stalking the undergraduates of Trinity International University.

I know, I know: they're young, they're pretty, and they're just right across the street.  It's a matter of convenience and I understand it.  That still gives you no excuse to turn into a TEDophile.  Just don't do it.  

Don't.

When I was working on my M. Div. at Cambridge I couldn't get a date to save my life.  That's right, the Don was one lonely dude.  When you're as brilliant as I am, it's just hard to find women who are willing to listen to you talk about Greek verbs, aspect theory, how bad the Emerging Church is, and how right you are about pretty much everything you say.

But then Joy came into my life.  Thankfully, she had a slight hearing problem and was able to tone me out most of the time.  But that's beside the point: she saw how pitiful I was and had mercy on my lonely heart and my brilliant mind.

Gentlemen, you can learn a lesson here: don't become the creepy seminary student.  Become the pitiful one; the one with a heart of gold, a brain of wonder, and a love life of crap.  Then maybe, just maybe, some hot undergrad with a slight hearing problem will take mercy on you, too.

But if you must date an undergrad student, let HER pursue YOU.  When it's the other way around, you just look pathetic.

And a little creepy.

The Seven Woes of the Don

Starting tomorrow we'll be taking a look at a miniseries that I like to call "The Seven Woes of the Don" (I like mini-series that have my name in them).

"What's that about?" you may ask. Well, I'll tell you.

I've been teaching in seminary for a long time. In fact, even when I was a student I was frequently teaching my professors. They loved it.

So I've been around long enough to know a few things about seminary and the students who attend.

As of tomorrow there will be one week until classes reconvene at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, and "The Seven Woes of the Don" is a series geared toward helping incoming students be successful. As a bonus, it should also help students who have been at TEDS for a while but tend to suck it up on a regular basis.

Each day I'll present a new "Woe": something for you to look out for as you enter seminary. Follow the Don's advice and with a little luck you won't make yourself look like the animal pictured above...

I'm Back and I'm Not Happy

Once our flight got underway, it was actually quite lovely.  I worked on my laptop for a few hours and then got a little sleep.

And then I returned to my home in Libertyville only to find the above picture posted all over the internets.  Seriously folks, is this what it's come to?  Posting a picture on your Flickr account of Dear Old Don that says he wants to kill you?

I realize my quizzes and tests are brutal, but I rarely shoot people with frickin' laser beams from my frickin' eyeballs.  

I leave that stuff to the professionals.  Do you see?

Stuck in the Airport Answering Questions

I'm exhausted.  After teaching all weekend at the Cheltenham Bible Festival in the good ol' UK, I'm stuck in an airport in Birmingham and my 7:00 am flight has been delayed.  Thankfully they have free WiFi so life is good again.

I checked my email and saw that I had a few questions from some readers of the blog and thought I might take some time to answer them.  Thanks for writing in, by the way, because the Don loves to answer questions

1.  "Don: You're 60 years old and you've never had a website before.  Why start blogging now?"

Great question.  I knew if I wanted to blog I'd have to do it in the morning and post it later in the day or evening.  However, my morning, from start to finish, is very tightly scheduled.  

I wake up at 5:00 am sharp; I shower, shave and dress by 5:03 am; by 5:05 I've had breakfast and read the morning paper; at 5:06 I watch Robin & Company on CNN for 4 minutes(more because Robin is cute than because she's a good reporter); by 5:11 I've locked myself in my study where I remain writing and reading until I leave for TEDS at 6:00.

Now this is the tricky part: I only have 49 minutes to read my first book of the day and write three chapters of whatever book I'm composing at the time.  Because that schedule is so tight I never thought I would have time to do anything else but those things.  However, last week I began calculating and realized that if I took 3 less sips of coffee during that time, I could also write a blog entry.

So I did.

2.  "Hey, D. A.!  Your blog makes me laugh!"

Thanks, but that's not a question.

3.  "Dr. Carson my friend and I have been wondering if you could explain the deontological ethical implications of the phenomenalogical realm and the ontological being.  Thanks."

Two problems here:

1. You misspelled "phenomenalogical" (it's "phenomenological")
2. This is a pithy blog post, not the Gagging of God.

Sorry folks, but I only have three sips to write these things in the morning.  I'm not saying I'll never wax theology on this blog, but I can't be dolling out free theological lectures and answering every convoluted question you guys think up.  

That's what you pay TEDS $22,000 a year for.

Why RateMyProfessors.com is Garbage

So a few years ago some genius got a great idea to start a website where students could freely exchange information about which professors they should or should not take.  Students could rate a professor based on clarity, easiness, helpfulness, and even hotness.  It made the academic community sick.

You see, us professors basically excel at dominating our students based on three things:

1. Fear
2. The Unknown
3. Fear of the Unknown

So when some smarty-pants college kid thinks he can put a dent in our timeless system by starting up a website that allows students to know what they're in for before they're in the middle of it, us educators aren't going to stand for it.  What did we do about it?

Well, for starters we regularly got on RateMyProfessors.com to leave fake ratings about ourselves and our colleagues.  It's hilarious for us all to leave feedback on one professor that says he's easy only to see a ton of students take his class and fail it.

How else do you explain my ratings on the website?  D. A. Carson, the Don, one of the greatest criminal masterminds professors of our time is only rated a paltry 3.2 out of 5?  That alone should let you know the scores are fake.

I found the comments to be riotous as well.  One "student" wrote:

"His oral quizzes are worded for ambiguity, although he does not recognize the ambiguous nature of his questions, which can be a source of frustration."

That quote can't be real!  Of course I recognize the ambiguous nature of my quiz questions!  Can't you guys hear me chuckling under my breath as I read them to you!  Seriously, the looks on your faces are hysterical.  

As a matter of fact, sometimes I even ask you guys questions that I didn't actually lecture on.  The funny thing?  Whenever you ask if we covered it in class, I'm adamant that we did and I'll even tell you the exact date we "covered it."  Then I watch you act like you suddenly remember us going over it now.  Priceless!

Anyway, I'm getting carried away with myself.  There's a lot of proof that these ratings are fixed, but the greatest proof is easily this:

Out of two people who rated the Don, I got zero hotness points.

I'm very hot.

Smite Alert: Fred Phelps

I don't want to brag, but being as close to God as I am sometimes has its advantages.  For instance, sometimes I get a certain...sense about things.  That's right: the Don can tell when someone's on the verge of having a good old fashioned, Old Testament, Ten Plagues kind of smiting.

So I'm chilling this week at the Cheltenham Bible Festival and I get an email from my buddy N. T. Wright.  We've disagreed on some theological points in the past, but we're both big fans of using initials for our first and middle names so it's all good.

So Tom tells me I need to check out this article about Fred Phelps.  In case you've been living in a cave or you don't love God enough to remember who that is, he's the guy who pickets funerals with his little inbred church and holds up signs that say "God hates Fags" so that the glory of the Lord can shine for all to see (sarcasm).

Turns out old Fred is planning on picketing the funerals of the folks who died in the Minnesota bridge collapse.  Not because they were homosexuals, mind you, but Fred seems to feel that homosexuality in the States is the reason the Good Lord caused the bridge to collapse.

You see folks, Fred is the very definition of fire kindling.  I don't want to say it's definitely gonna happen, but I get this...sense.  If God took out Ananias and Sapphira for lying about an offering...well...it ain't looking good, huh Fred?

Taming the Internets

Frankly, I've been meaning to do this for quite some time.  I could make a lot of excuses about how busy I am: chairing a plethora of committees, writing stacks of books, nurturing the minds of seminarians, and single-handedly keeping Evangelicalism afloat both in the U.S. and abroad--I don't know how I do it all.

But I've finally decided to write my own blog.  I've got a lot to say (see here) and sometimes I just need to spit it out without seeking a book deal first.  That's right: D. A. Carson is taking on the internets.

Check back throughout the semester as I offer you my no holds barred insights on life, TEDS (for the grossly ignorant--the Carsuninformed, if you will--that's where I teach), and the scholarly world that so many of you desire to have the inside scoop on.