"The Seven Woes of the Don" #2: Woe to Those Seeking Assistance From TEDS Administration

So let me tell you a true story.

I've been on staff at TEDS for 19 years (wow, seeing it written out like that makes me feel old). When I arrived in 1978 I had just started fixing up my office and was getting kind of tired so I decided to take a break. I told my colleague Dr. Beitzel that I was going to run over to the administration building to find out from them what classrooms my classes would be meeting in when the semester started in a few weeks.

Beitzel starts laughing hysterically.

So I looked at him because we didn't know each other that well yet, and I was quite sure that he was just a madman (Old Testament professors typically have...unique personalities).

"You're going to ask for help?" he said in between gasps of air.

"Yeah."

"From the administration building?" he managed to get out just before his face turned the color of Jessica Simpson's pouty lips.

"Yeah."

Shouldn't have said that. Beitzel falls to the floor this time rolling around and clutching his side, struggling to breathe and cackle in my general direction simultaneously. I'm kind of embarrassed for him and I'm not sure what his deal is, so I slip out and head to the admin building.

So I walk into the building and trot up to the front desk at the registrar office. I tell them who I am and ask to see my class schedule so that I can confirm which rooms I'll be teaching in.

The woman behind the desk looks at me slyly and says she can help me with that, then she taps the desk and looks away.

I blink.

I ask her to help me again, and she says no problem, then taps the desk and looks away again.

Now, I'm originally from Canada and I've spent a large amount of time in the UK. I don't know all of the weird secret meanings you Americans have, so I just blinked at her again and asked if she could give me the schedule.

"Sure," she says. "I would love to help you, but it appears that the registrar is just a little low on cash this month." She winks at me, taps the desk again and then looks away.

I was appalled! I told her there was no way I was going to pay the administration of my own school to get my schedule!

She grinned slyly and told me, "Oh, we have ways of making you pay. Sure wouldn't want that little wife of yours to have an...accident."

That's right, folks, the TEDS administration is one shady operation. In fact, the Don's been trying to leave TEDS to teach at Cambridge for 12 years, but I can't do it. I'm afraid for Joy's life.

And I'm not the only one!

One student had the gall to ask administration for help with his schedule last semester. The next morning he woke up to find the head of Richard Nixon in his bed.

Another student a few years ago wasn't sure what the prerequisites were for entering Greek exegesis so he went to ask for help. Haven't seen him since.

Believe me: when admin tells you that it's YOUR responsibility to figure things out for YOURself, you should take that statement at face value. If not, you might end up never getting your M. Div.

Or you might end up in the Chicago river. Do you see?